Why I Don't Like Church

I realized today that I wasn't crazy when I was younger. Sure, I had all the adolescent paranoia and I definitely felt the need to prove myself, but I realized today it wasn't just me being weird.

When I was younger, I was terrified to go to church. When I was really young, it was because there were some crazy people who went. Not God-crazy, but just weird. I got my hand slapped once by an old woman I didn't know because I was playing with a chalkboard, that kind of thing.

Then I got older, to around 11, where I knew who to avoid and I had a few friends I could sit with, and things were cool for about a year or two.

Then I quit dancing, and I moved from a public school to a private school. Those were significant changes, because previously we had all had dance and school in common. Suddenly, I was brushed aside. For some reason, I started feeling a need to improve myself, but I didn't know how. I didn't wear heels to church (I'm a barefoot or sandals kind of girl). I didn't wear short skirts or low-cut tops to church, I didn't talk, giggle, or pass notes during service. It wasn't cause I didn't have anyone to talk to, but I thought it was direspectful to dress and behave that way. I somewhat envied the girls who thought differently, because there were more of them than there were of me, but I can't say I judged them for what they did. I just didn't care. It wasn't me, and I was ok with our differences.

But they weren't, and they didn't make an effort to hide it. They were never outright mean, but they were never friendly in a way that seemed genuine, either. For a few years, they didn't even try to be friendly. I had considered a couple of them my best friends, and it stung that I was left in the dust. I tried to keep up for awhile but it was no use.

I remember one particular incident that I'm sure none of them will recall. In Sunday school one time, a friend of mine put forth an "unspoken" prayer request. Those were common, where someone wants prayer but doesn't want the problem made public. I was the only person in the room who didn't know what was going on, and they all proved that by talking in half-sentences about it. When I, out of curiosity and a desire to help out, asked what was going on, I was told by everyone that it was a "marshwood" thing and I was therefore no good to them and didn't need to know.

There were some young people there who were just outright mean. Say the wrong thing, wear the wrong thing, you'd hear about it. So I didn't blowdry my hair before going to church - I wasn't there to impress people, I was there to learn.

I still don't know what it was all about, but I'm still hurt about it. That type of attitude prevailed for a few years, before someone stepped in and said, "Hey, we're losing people in the church because we're not being friendly." For awhile afterward there was a very forced friendliness. I had stopped going to church altogether at that point but dropped in one sunday to make my mom happy. A rush of about six people who had previously been intentionally exclusive came over to hug me and tell me how much they missed me. Thirty seconds later, they were standing in a circle chatting with each other, with me on the outside, wondering what had just happened. Did anyone respond when I said goodbye? Nope.

They were friendly out of guilt, but not because they really wanted to be friends. By the time they were faking friendship, I started thinking maybe I was just being paranoid, but after talking about it to a couple of people today, I realized that maybe I wasn't crazy after all.

I don't really have a point in writing this. Maybe I'm hoping one of them will find it and read it (though I understand that they believe Myspace is "addictive" and so have mostly deleted their accounts; to which I say - don't blame a computer program for your lack of self control when you use it). I wanted to give a public reason why I avoid church, why I don't always smile and say hello when I walk by. You were so wrapped up in yourselves that you didn't realize you were hurting people, and you hurt more people than just me. Most of you are still doing it and don't even know, because you feel superior to people like me.

I live with my boyfriend. I'm helping to raise his out-of-wedlock daughter who he had with another woman. I chose to go away rather than fight to stay a member of your church. You're so high and mighty because you go to Bible studies together, you've never had sex (though I'm sure some of you have come really close) and you'd never consider associating with someone "like me" outside of church, where you're forced to "love" everyone. Whatever.

I know what Christianity means. I was lucky enough to be raised to believe that Jesus loves you despite your mistakes, and he doesn't stop loving you when you do something wrong. Remember that other people don't know that, and when you're so visibly judgmental of anyone who's life choices are different, you are scaring them away from something good.

I make no apologies for who I am or what I do, because my life is none of your business. Maybe that's why you never let me in. I wasn't willing to become one of you, and you just didn't know what to do with me. It never seemed to occur to you to just try being nice. Anyway... I'll come to church because I want to be there, not because it's a social club. I don't want your scrutiny, and I don't want you to try to "save" me. Jesus saved me already, I think you're just stroking your egos.